desperate

i want to go somewhere today...
somewhere i can find peace...
someplace silent and calm...
i want to go swimming in a pool of roses
i wanna escape the heat of the sun
i wanna smell morning dew when i wake up
i wanna take pictures of great memories
i wanna leave right away and never come back
where is this place?
i don't know yet
can someone please take me there
coz i don't know where it is
but i know it's somewhere out there

september 22,2009

today was the same day as everyday... people envy you just because you know a lot of things! they call you "feeler" just because you can explain and present well in class... they call you "others" coz you know how to convers in English... isn't that pathetic!

some of them wants to pull you down becaus they can't reach your level! the hell i care... if I allow myself to be pulled down and stoop down to their level i guess i'll be as dumb as them... so i won't allow it! you may call me "feeler" "others" etc.etc. I won't mind coz i know i'll benefit from all this later on in life. they'll remaine stupid... lots of "hahahah's" for me... all i need are my true friends, and my special someone's in life... :)


i can't believe i'm actually blogging using my new Laptop! hahahahah weeeeeeeeeee! :) watch out for more blogs soon! :)

latest leakage of MJ's Autopsy

THE horrifying state of pop superstar Michael Jackson in his final days can be revealed by The Sun today.

Harrowing leaked autopsy details show the singer was a virtual skeleton — barely eating and with only pills in his stomach at the time he died.

His hips, thighs and shoulders were riddled with needle wounds — believed to be the result of injections of narcotic painkillers, given three times a day for years.

And a mass of surgery scars were thought to be the legacy of at least 13 cosmetic operations.

Experts found the distressing evidence of Jacko’s physical decline while investigating his startling death in Los Angeles last week.

The examination showed the 5ft 10in star — once famed for his on-stage athleticism — had:

PLUNGED to a “severely emaciated” 8st 1oz. It is understood anorexic Jackson had been eating just one meagre meal a day.

Pathologists found his stomach empty aside from partially-dissolved pills he took before the painkiller injection which stopped his heart. Samples were sent for toxicology tests.

LOST virtually all his hair. The pop pin-up was wearing a wig when he died and pathologists said little more than “peach fuzz” covered his scalp.

A scarred section of skin above his left ear was entirely bald — apparently the result of a 1984 accident when his hair caught fire as he filmed an ad for Pepsi.

SUFFERED several broken ribs as frantic rescuers pumped his chest after he collapsed in cardiac arrest. Four injection sites were found above or near to Jacko’s heart.

All appeared to result from attempts to pump adrenaline directly into the organ in a failed bit to restart it.

Three of the injections had penetrated the heart wall — causing damage — but a fourth missed and hit one of the 50-year-old star’s ribs.

The autopsy also found unexplained BRUISING on Jackson’s knees and on the fronts of both shins. And there were CUTS on his back, indicating a recent fall.

The King of Pop’s once handsome face bore a network of plastic surgery scars, while the bridge to his nose had vanished and its right side had partially collapsed.

As inquiries into the tragedy last night focused on the star’s personal physician Dr Conrad Murray, a source close to the Jackson entourage said: “Michael’s family and fans will be horrified when they realise the appalling state he was in.

“He was skin and bone, his hair had fallen out and had been eating nothing but pills when he died. Injection marks all over his body and the disfigurement caused by years of plastic surgery show he’d been in terminal decline for years.

“His doctors and the hangers-on stood by as he self-destructed. Somebody is going to have to pay.”

Cardiologist Dr Murray was thought to have given Jackson the final injection of painkiller Demerol.

He is facing serious questions about his resuscitation attempts, which began when he started CPR as Jacko lay unconscious on a bed. Basic first aid guidance says patients must be face-up on a hard surface before compressions.

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Experts yesterday expressed amazement that a trained cardiologist could have made such an error, potentially wasting vital minutes.

Additional damage was believed to have been caused by oxygen masks and tubing inserted during resuscitation attempts. But in an ironic twist, the probe found Jacko was recovering well from skin cancer — with an op to shave cells from his chest a total success.

A second autopsy demanded by the Jackson family was carried out at a secret location on Saturday after the first ruled out foul play.

Family friend Rev Jesse Jackson said the family were deeply suspicious about what caused his death.

Dr Murray was hired just 11 days ago by AEG Live — the firm masterminding Jacko’s 50-date residency at London’s O2 Arena, which was due to start next month.

Sources claimed the family were preparing a multi-million-dollar lawsuit against the cardiologist.

Detectives were unable to find the doctor at Jackson’s home and his car was taken away for analysis as police sought him for questioning. He surfaced late on Friday and was quizzed over the weekend.

The Sun told on Saturday how Jacko had developed stage fright for the first time and was terrified of performing the comeback gigs.

Aides claimed the ailing star even believed he would be KILLED if he pulled out on health grounds. We also revealed he was taking a potentially toxic cocktail of drugs.

Sources last night said prescriptions for drugs for patients other than Jacko were found at his home. Those patients were due to be quizzed.

confused mind speaks again!

sometimes i wonder, do i really want to be with him?
does he love me because we have something in common?
or he loves me because he has to and that he's getting old and needs someone already?
is he just being a gentle man and sticking up to his words "i love you" but the truth is he doesn't really mean it but he doesn't want me to get hurt?
all this questions are just a bunch of questions not bothering to be answered....
questions i keep asking myself but i don't really know why i'm asking them

i'm inlove, he's a great guy, smart, lovable, huggable, funny, great sence of humor, but, he's not at all romantic (i think) well he thinks about my welfare and all but then when it comes to being romantic, i have to say he is failing!
how can i teach him? everytime i feel i needed reminding that somebody loves me, someone "special", he's never there...

anybody having this situation? join the club!

lakawon trip

it was fun! we woke up 6 am, on the road by 830 am, arrived in Lakawon around quarter to 10, Jesse went there with the speedboat together with captain joey (also a pilot) with his wife annie, and maxine (their daughter)... it was soooo fun! jesse and joey went skiing, my cousins went banana boat riding, my dad went snorcling, my aunt and uncle went swimming, my brother and lolo slept, my mom studied her reviewer for NCLEX, all in all it was a day to relax! mommy, (though she was studying) felt relaxed also because of the ambiance, we had fun and didn't want that day to end, but it had to, jesse, joey and his family had to go back to manila and work, everybody went back to bacolod... but it was a moment worth remembering! hehehehe

excerpts from the lyrics of the songs i can relate to right now!

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

****************************************************************************

Dying inside 'cause I can't stand it
Make or break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive

Baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you

*********************************************************************

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know that what I feel for you is real

So hold me close cause it feels so right
This is my last chance to make it mine
Make this dream reality
So close and yet so far
Gotta find a way into your heart
Gotta speak my mind
Gotta open up to you this time
I can't let you slip away tonight
This is my last dance with you

i love you i really do!

sometimes i just can't express myself because i'm scared to fall again!

i guess this is LOVE

before you went home i already tried to condition my self and told myself that you're here because of business matters but i could not stop my self from hoping that even just for a moment you could stop everything and concentrate your thoughts on me. i know this business is important and i'm doing the best i can to adjust and listen to your problems. i'm trying so hard but sometimes i feel like vomiting over this issues! i just wish we could put them aside everytime we get to see/ spend time together. i'm just so DAMN tired of listening to it! you talk about it with your family, with friends, with me, and sometimes i tend to absorb the negative side of it and it just ruins our moment. we only get to see each other once, twice or thrice a month and all you ever talk about is business business business! i'm sick and tired of all this!

when i took you to the airport yesterday i never said a word that's because i wanted you to notice me being quiet, but i failed, obviously you didn't. when you kissed me goodbye i was waiting for you to say you love me but again you didn't, this past few days i feel like i'm the only one doing all the efforts. you know what's funny? depspite all these, i don't think i have the guts to leave you because i know i could get hurt and i won't be able to stand the pain, i can't and i won't leave you. i just want you to notice what i'm doing coz i don't think you do.


know it's all out of my system! thanks to this blogsite, i've said everything i wanted to say... i don't care if some of you, reading this blog, thinks i'm stupid for staying, i don't really care!

this morning!

woke up this morning feeling down...
it's another one of those mornings
when you don't understand yourself
hormones changing?
i don't know!
relationship fading?
i don't think so!
ballet rehearsals?
they're doing fine!
career priority?
it will come in due time!

see! no problems here...
everything's doing ok!
but why the DOWN feeling?!

maybe it's just because this freakin' coffee maker's not working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whats the latest?

it has been over a year since i last posted on this blog site! hehhehehe
d naman! hheeheh my last post was 2008, now it's 2009! wooopeeee!

anyway! i don't know where to start... :)

my new year was a little bit special, it wasn't that i spent it with jesse, that's the sad part coz he had to fly out of the country for Christmas eve and new years eve! huhuhuh BUT! i still felt that those days were special aside from the fact that i spent it with my family, Jesse and I were able to talk using skype!

here are some pictures we had when Jesse went home before Christmas


the gang!









me and jesse


















our reunion!





























check out my friendster album "bacolod" for more pictures